Yes, I have tried online dating. Yes, it was something that I thought was a good idea for a very brief period of time. Shamefully, I payed for it both literally and emotionally. No, not because I was so scarred by the experience, but more because my better judgement decided to shut the hell up and watch me do something stupid, probably for it's own pure entertainment. Yeah, my subconscious is mean like that.
What happens is I decide that somewhere in the craziness that is my over-acheiving mind I get the insane idea that I should be active in my dating life. That isn't to say that I shouldn't be or that you shouldn't be either, but more that I have no freaking clue what I'm doing. See, I spend all my time thinking about how if only I was skinnier or didn't have a tendency to blurt out whatever is happening in my head at the moment regardless of the continuity with the current discussion, I would actually be happily married with 2.5 children. (I'd like to note now that I'm not even sure how I feel about children, but that is not the point, Hopes and Dreams.)
In reality what happens is I get some wild hair that says, 'go forth and be sexy,' as if that's all it takes. There's various problems with this school of thought, but I will leave it up to your imagination why this doesn't work for me. (Hint: I don't know what sexy means.)
Alas, I find myself trying to match myself with handsome--actually not--strangers over the internet. This of course, supplies us with another issue. There's two sides to my personality; the one that is far too intimidating for the average man that I meet in daily life and that side that is way too meek to actually make a move. Now, you would think that just going with the side of me that is meek and figure that the internet is a hotbed of easy to access men with the same problem, but you'd be wrong. My cynicism gets in the way. These men are immediately judged based on their ability to answer simple questions. When eFindaMate asks for things you 'can't live without' they don't mean food and water. When it asks what you are passionate about, if you say life, I will come through the tubes and punch you in the mouth. The sheer amount of generic answers there are out there can all be narrowed down to this one phrase; I am passionate about living life to the fullest.
I swear to you, none of these men have anything better to say. Sure that's a great thing to feel about life, but at what point is that going to tell me that I should pick you over the rest of them? Am I likely to be reading these profiles and see that phrase and say, "Oh good, a man who likes living and isn't looking for a train to throw himself in front. That's the man I'm looking for." At this point, I'm looking for a set of busy train tracks myself, because dammit, traffic wouldn't be poetic enough.
In conclusion, I'm closing my account and writing this instead. I decided that if I am too lazy to even go online and try and find some guy to take up my spare time, I could probably come up with a cheaper hobby. Online man shopping only goes so far. Besides the fact that I'm pretty sure Chris Hemsworth and Clay Matthews are both not on a dating site. I mean c'mon, those are the only men I'm looking for anyway.
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